Why we are fighting with our loved ones

By Marlise Witschi, M.Psych., copyright
2009 www.internalfreedom.com

It seems that human
consciousness is rising, and this causes our shadow, our negative unconscious
beliefs and conditioning, to come to the forefront so that it can be looked at
and be dispersed into the light. The definition of healing is to bring darkness
to the light, and that’s what we are asked to do now, more than ever before: To
bring our self-hatred into our awareness, so we can catch it there and disperse
it, before we slam it to another person, and attack it there. In your
relationship struggles you may feel that often it’s your partner who is
attacking you and who makes your life so difficult. I know you know that this
is only seemingly so. Our partners are our mirrors, and I mean that literally.
What we unconsciously dislike and hate in ourselves we see it in our partners
and fight it there. The worse we feel about ourselves, the more reasons we find
to criticize our partners. Isn’t’ that interesting! The mechanism at work here
is called projection: What we don’t want to acknowledge in ourselves we will
find “out there”, in other people, close and far, including the terrorists.
That’s why it is so important to become aware of our negative thoughts and
feelings. It is the only way to not project them out and fight them in others,
with the consequence that we attack other people each time we actually feel bad
about ourselves!! It sounds so terribly unfair – and that’s exactly what we all
do so often.

A couple is watching TV at
home, both are very tired from work, they go to bed, not saying much, falling
asleep. They wake up, and at the breakfast table the woman explodes: ‘We never
do anything fun together, you don’t talk, this is so boring’ and off she goes.
He takes it all personal, believing she means to say that he is not good
enough, that he is boring, that he does everything wrong, so he explodes back
and yells, ‘What’s wrong with you, you’re never happy, whatever I do is not
enough, what about last Monday when we had fun…’ and both partners feel
unhappy, empty, unfairly treated and angry.

  • We are attacking someone because we feel bad about
    ourselves.
  • Your partner is your mirror.

Let’s look with understanding
at what happened with the couple above, which is the basis of the Internal
Freedom ProcessTM: We see that she felt bad about herself in the
morning – for her own internal reasons – and instead of becoming aware of it
and maybe even sharing it in a neutral tone, she attacks her partner, and the
fight is started. In our example he does exactly the same as her: He thinks her
remarks mean that he is basically not good enough, and so he defends himself
(because unconsciously he really thinks that, but he denies it). In another
moment he may choose to stay calm and say: 'What’s happening for you, you don't
seem to feel well'. And no fight would happen. If one of the two can remain
calm, the storm will finish fast. What I’d like to show you and suggest to all
of us is this:

When you feel frustrated or bad in any way, take the time to
feel it and first share it with yourself internally.
Know that it is your own perception, your own interpretation, which created these unpleasant feelings.
They will then vanish by themselves: Darkness brought to light disappears
automatically. And the way you look at it needs to be kind and loving, not
judging you, not thinking: 'I shouldn’t feel bad, what the heck is wrong with
me that I can’t be light and happy,' etc., this approach just reinforces your
feeling bad of course. This looking is literally like a loving parent is
looking warmly at a child when s/he stamps her foot and wants what s/he wants
when s/he wants it.

In summary:

·      regardless
of who starts a fight, we can always choose to remain peaceful, to not take it
personal – thinking: ‘it’s not about me’,s/he must be feeling bad – and this
will help the other person to realize that s/he could choose peace as well.

·      Whenever
we get angry at someone else, it’s not because of what the other said or did,
it’s because of the interpretation we gave to their words and actions,
and therefore, we always get angry, upset, frustrated and everything else because
of our own thinking.

·      That’s
how powerful our mind is!! It creates our misery and our joy, and we choose
which one we want to experience in each moment. 
 
This article is copyright. You may use it if you ad all my information with it.
If you would like to read other articles by me, please go to my wesite www.internalfreedom.com.